Peter takes a parrot from the vets and begins to believe he is a pirate. Not surprisingly, it all goes to his head as he literally becomes the scourge of the neighborhood until he accidentally kills his beloved bird. Meanwhile, Chris takes Brian to the vet and falls hopelessly in love with an intern whom he meets there.

Brian discovers that he is the illegitimate father of an old flame's unruly son. The boy is dropped off at the Griffin's house so Brian can raise him, where Brian manages to tame him and turn his life in the right direction. Unfortunately, Brian begins acting a little too overprotective and self-righteous.

Feeling their marriage has hit a snag, Peter and Lois take Brian's offer to go with him for a relaxing vacation at Martha's Vineyard. However, as Peter gets drunk, Brian ends up spending more time with Lois and even tries to have sex with her. Meanwhile, Herbert babysits Meg, Chris and Stewie back home.

James Woods returns to Quahog to seek revenge against Peter by stealing his identity after finding his wallet. Peter is left with nothing, but neither he nor his family are willing to let James get away with this, and Peter counters by ruining the actor's career and public image.

Peter is offered unlimited burgers from a fast food restaurant for saving its owner in a fire, but suffers a stroke after eating too many. After recovering, Peter strives to expose the evils of the company, finding help in a talking cow. Meanwhile, Stewie sneaks into James Woods High School to become the most popular kid there.